How do you talk to a shrink?

I'm totally serious. I like my shrink - but I can't really talk to her.

I have my third visit this coming Monday, and I'm thinking I'm just going to have to tell her that I suspect the therapy part of our relationship isn't working out too well. I mean, I don't know what to say to her and she evidently doesn't know what to ask just yet and...well, she doesn't let me ramble. She keeps trying to pin me down to answer in declarative sentences or changes the topic when I start going on. And I can't stand that! I'm a rambler. It's what I do - it's just how I talk. Partly because I always feel I have to explain myself. People don't get me, and I know I don't get them, so I feel like further explanation is required for proper communication.

And honestly, part of my over-all problem too is that while the little pink pills help my emotional state, they do nothing for my existential crisis. I still have no idea how other people live on a day to day basis without feeling useless, bored, and defeated.

Tomorrow I get to go to work for a meeting for my department. The entire department is being called in, and I'm like 99% sure I'm not the one really in trouble, but I'm still freaking a little bit about it. I hate that feeling of being called in to the principle's office. And the thing is, this is a part time job that actually doesn't even require a college degree. It is, really, a job that's technically below me. And yet I'm that scared of losing it. Because I loathe job-hunting and the humiliation it causes. But also because there's very, very few places I can fit in well enough to work on a regular basis. My personality and emotional issues kinda close a lot of doors for me, and I don't even understand the problems enough to find a way to fix them.

Which is why I'm seeing a shrink. Christ. Not to make too blunt a point about it, but I still think a cyanide pill would be easier. Anyone know if they still make those things?

So...I thought the meds were helping

I guess the meds were helping in the beginning. At least it knocked me out of the spiral I was in at the time.

But it's all basically coming back. And I can't find a reason. I don't understand this shit anymore. All I know is that I can never remember a time I was happy. Not one solid 24-hour period where I was truly happy without having that "no, don't think about that right now" kind of moment. And if life is one big fight to just BE happy, then why the hell do I have to keep bothering?

I just want it to all go away. I don't want the pity stares and the self-help bullshit and the encouraging little pep talks. I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone. I want to read my books and play my games and live in my own little world and make everyone just leave me alone.

I don't know how to do this, okay? I don't know how to survive. Emotionally or physically. I just keep going because I feel like I have no other choice. Like I'm just waiting for that one moment when I snap and turn veggie and curl in to a little ball and don't give a damn what anyone thinks and truly ignore them all.

I'm not cutting myself. I'm not hearing voices. I don't torture small animals. I'm not sick enough to be crazy.

And I'm sure as hell not sane.

I just want it to stop. I want it all to go away.

Um...I'm back?

Wow. So. Been a while.

Honestly, my last computer died sometime in October. I managed to put off getting a new one until December by using my parent's comp, but I didn't want to bring up this diary on their computer. Granted, they've got no idea how to use their "history" and I could clean it out anyway, but...just seemed wrong somehow. And by the time I got a new one, I just assumed I had long forgotten the password and stuff for this account.

Well, obviously not. So - hi again.

I have a shrink appointment coming up this month. I've only tried one other shrink - my parents forced me to when I dropped out of my master's program because I also mentioned suicide during that little breakdown. The little pink pills she gave me worked a treat until I got on more solid ground and weaned myself off them, but she was absolute crap. At the time, I was still pretty focused on what other's thought of my sexuality for various reasons. The shrink was uncomfortable with that topic. Seriously. So I realized she was an idiot, skipped most of my visits, and she took my excuses and probably lied for whatever full-up paperwork she was supposed to be doing.

But here I am, trying it again and hoping it works this time. The 17th will be my first visit. And I really need it to work.

I'm seriously afraid the only way I'll ever be okay is if I stay on medication. And I have issues with that. I think too much, and my particular habit of sci-fi/fantasy only brings up this sort of thing more - but the point is, what makes us, us? Nobody really knows that. You could measure up a human - we have so much water or require so much oxygen. You can map out the brain and try to follow the lights on the MRI scans. But nobody really knows what shapes someone's personality. And I'm scared to mess with mine. Medication would do that.

I know I'm not "right". I know I need to be fixed somehow. But I'm also really, really scared of changing 'me'. I'm so paranoid I'm gonna wake up some day and find myself in a little grey cubicle with some awful grey uniform and just not even caring. And yeah - I can't handle emotions well. But somehow.... I guess if I'm going down, I wanna go down in a blazing crash rather than a light, torturous fall.

But something has to change. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to escape. I mean, I had a great childhood. But I always dreamed of escaping. And it became a chain of "middle school will be better - highs school will be better - college will be better" until finally I realized it is NEVER getting better.

I can hold on in little ways. I plead sick/tired/whatever and ignore family events. I've never called in to work like I use to with school, but I'm always worried about them scheduling too me for too many hours because I'm worried I'll have a day I can't make it. But I'm fine - I'll go in and be pissy and just find little things to do that keep me away from people, and hopefully routine enough I can shut off my mind. If I find myself starting to get in a mood, I'll take steps. I make sure I have books to keep my mind on something else all the time. I listen to happy songs. If I'm truly desperate I'll call my best friend for a girl's day.

But I can't do this for much longer. I've been this depressed, struggling ball of nervous stress my entire life. I'm sick of it. Why am I trying? I keep telling myself it'll get better, eventually. But I can't really believe that anymore. So why all the struggle? I mean, my family genes are horribly healthy - I'm pretty sure I'll live till I'm at least 75, if not longer. And what, I'm just going to keep struggling now so I can live for another 50 years or more in this kind of pain?

And now I have Riley. She's my god-daughter. One of my biggest fears lately is that she'll somehow "catch this" from me. It's a stupid idea - she's not related to me by blood and I should be able to monitor my mouth/actions when she's actually around. So nature or nurture, logic says she should be fine. But I've never been able to hide my emotions from her momma, and I'm scared that little girl will have the same effect on me. And I don't wanna be like this around her. I don't want her thinking this is how life is.

The important thing right now is that I have to remember this shrink might not be the right shrink. You have to "shop around" for one that fits. But I've been waiting a month for this appointment and I have to keep looking around still....well, I also have to wonder how long I can do that before freaking out and breaking down again.

I can't break down again. Not like the last time. I upset everyone and put my life on hold for a year and never felt so damn helpless. I can't go through that again.

But at some point, what else is left? Obviously I'm too big a chicken to actually commit suicide, so I guess I'll just keep being a burden to everyone and breaking down every few years.

Unless I can find a way to fix me.

Okay, I admit it, I'm totally emo

Earlier this week, my friend signed up on Blogger. She's a new mom and I guess it gives her a way to randomly do/talk about something each day - well, something non-baby related. Cause as much as she loves that little bundle - and as great a mom as she naturally is - I'm thinking anyone in that situation would need something else to think about for at least 10 minutes a day, right?

Anyway, the point is this - I have to comment on her blog sometimes and show I'm interested and that, yes, I do care. But I can't sign-in to do said comment. I'll sign the comment, but it's posted as "anonymous", because I cannot give anyone a link to this blog. Not anyone that knows me in real life.

See, no one in real life needs to see my emo side quite this much. Oh, anyone who knows me probably gets glimpses. I'm rubbish at hiding my feelings. But lately, I'm getting better at it. I do my worst ranting and emoting either in my own head, or here on the blog that no one knows I have.

Part of that is because, as I think I mentioned before, I don't want people freaking out over anything random I put up here. But it's also partly just because...well...it's embarrassing.

I hate human emotions. I think everyone has something like that in their life - something they hate and love and just can't really understand. I think human emotions are like that for me. I'm not sure why.

But my favorite stories are the ones with the biggest emotions. Love stories. Action doesn't do a thing for me. I only like comedy if I'm in the right mood. But I can always find a love story to fit my interest. Cause all emotions are heightened in a romance.

And in so many ways, I don't understand human emotions! Why do people grieve for the dead? I've only had two people even semi-close to me ever die. I handled both deaths the same I handle it when one of my favorite characters die - I cried for about an hour, accepted they're gone, and went on with my life. I guess my grandfather is a good example to use for this. I was about 15 when he died, and I can't remember too much about it to be honest. I remember being pissed my mom forced me to see him in the hospital - I hate hospitals and don't like seeing people in them. But after that, nothing much. I'm fairly certain I cried at least once when I first heard, but everyone had been expecting it for awhile so I also couldn't help thinking "why the shock everyone? he's been dying in that hospital for like months..." Then I had to be at the viewing. Because of course everyone in the family has to go to *that*. Nevermind that I ain't getting anywhere near a dead body. Cause I got it - I did - some people need to see the dead. But I don't. By the age of 15, I was damned sure there wasn't an afterlife and I wanted to be cremated and I really didn't want a bunch of creepy, nosy people looking at my dead body. Thankfully, unlike the hospital visit, my mother left that alone. So I spent the entire deal sitting in the lobby of the funeral parlor pretending to care about the random old people talking around me and giving me their condolences. Really, the only reason I remember it so well is because the funeral home had a picture that inspired a poem that got published in the school paper that year. It was some cliched forest path BS, but at the time I kinda liked it.

Anyway, the point is I always look at death in that logical manner. I had three classmates die during my high school years. 2 were in a car accident at the same time. I kept my mouth shut around everyone else, but I thought my brother would understand. I didn't know the kids, I didn't care that they were dead, and I was sick of everything at school being about them - "did you know so-and-so", "wasn't that so sad??", "omg - I'll never get over this!" etc. It was especially stupid, to my mind, when quite a lot of these kids didn't know them any better than I did. My brother was a year older than me though, and in their grade, and evidently had known better than I thought. I usually knew all his friends thanks to our close ages, so that surprised me. But still, he was my brother, surely he knew this was nothing personal - I just didn't get the big deal about death? But no - he slapped me. I don't even remember exactly what I said, but that was one of those points I knew I had just lost someone. We still get along and he's more accepting of me these days, but my drama queen brother does tend to see my practical mind as some sort of personal insult sometimes. That was the only time he ever hit me for any reason, but it changed everything cause I knew he wouldn't understand.

And that's the problem. No one gets me. Things like death and love are, to me, mostly just practical and logical things. I've only been in love once. Head over heels one-sided love. Nothing is dumber than falling for someone you know you don't have a chance with. But it also made sense. Jes loved me as friend, and she's always been the sort to tease and spoil. The other two girls in our group of four were dating, so we ended up together a lot. I was suddenly the object being constantly spoiled and teased. And here's the one thing I know is true - knowing someone adores me is my biggest turn on. She gave me attention, and after letting myself live with that for years it was like a drug. I got over it eventually, but it did leave me wondering. Why does anyone look for that? It hit me out of the blue due to circumstances beyond my control. I was young and unsuspecting. But people go on dates searching for this pain. That's just...stupid.

To be perfectly honest, I wish I didn't have emotions. It's one of those things I love about sci-fiction. Alien races like Vulcans, and of course the mechanical androids, fasicnate me. They don't have emotions. And more often than not, it's considered a bad thing. But why? These are the people I want to live with. Others like me, that won't think I'm weird for not mourning for fucking ever and for not seeing love as the greatest thing on Earth. Beings that make logical choices! Given a chance, I could make it in that world.

In this world, I have to be charming and passably sane. I'm barely passable - I can't attempt 'charming'. My brother's perfect at it. He gets it all. Falls right in to line with people, charms everyone, loves it all - it's not like it's an act or anything. He's just as naturally social as I am anti-social. But I can't do it. I don't really care all that much about anyone else's problems. I don't watch the most common shows or listen to the news and no one reads the books I do.

Maybe it's just the area I live in - maybe some where out there is a place I'd fit in better. But humanity is just...weird. And here I am. Horribly emo but very practical about it all. Saa.

Yaoi - No Anal?

lol There is no "delicate" way to talk about this subject, which is why it's here instead of anywhere else in my internet life. Because I kinda just need to rant on this a bit.

I was reading through some forums - I believe they were the ones at Manga-Updates - and thought I'd check the yaoi threads. I don't have friends in to yaoi, and it seems the genre is just fading off in local bookstores. So I was kinda missing feeling like a group with fellow fans.

And I hit one of the current threads - a fan looking for yaoi manga with NO anal. Sick of the anal. No mention of it, nada. And I'm like....wait, what?

And no other fan has this reaction. They just throw out titles that might work for this person - mostly BL (boys' love) type stuff. Evidently, I'm the only bothered by the fact that the fan is actually looking for no anal.

So I take a look myself and try to figure out what about that request bothers me. The conclusion I've come to is this: As a older yaoi fan, I worked hard to FIND anal. So some newb coming along and complaining about it kinda pisses me off.

See, in the world of yaoi 10 years ago in the US, fans had to look for it. And what made this search so frustrating was the almost-yaoi type titles. Back then, even yaoi jokes in titles was harder to find. Hell, anime was harder to find. But I did track down CLAMP's Tokyo Babylon. Titles like that annoyed me slightly, because the leads would hold each other and kiss and generally be all tortured lovely, but NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENED. And for a while there was this line, because there were still a lot of people against yaoi. So to keep things "straight", they'd sometimes argue that "they're friends! They never actually did anything!". So I was always wanting to find that one manga or anime that was irrefutably yaoi - where they did *everything*.

And, yeah, I guess at some point it become necessary to me. And I'm not saying it's about seeing the scenes. Don't get me wrong, I love the smut, but that's not even the point to me. Another part of the issue is that so many yaoi mangas feature one or even both lead characters that have had relations with women in the past, or at the very least are still denying they're gay. And that pisses me off on a personal level. You can't say you're straight and have a same-sex lover - that's denying that lover. I don't care if you're bi or gay or whatever, but you're not straight. But most such characters don't give in to their love until after they have gone all the way. Sometimes even then they try to deny it some more. But that moment - when they consciously and willingly decided to go "all the way" - was always the big climax of the story. Honestly, no pun intended. It was how most storylines came to a close because it was a decisive moment of "okay, I accept everything about me and everything about you and I trust you enough to let this happen now".

And I guess now all those emotions of acceptance and trust are just too involved in that moment for me to dismiss it so easily. That's what I want in my love stories - I want that moment of perfection, of total trust and honesty ...and, well, love. And like I said, I don't have to see it. Have it fade out on a closed door. Have it as a far-off promise of the future. But don't deny it.

Okay, I'm done. It's just one of those moments I feel old and have to shake my head and go "you youngsters will never understand". Because younger anime and manga fans never will really get it. They don't remember the days of sending off for VHS fansubs. The days when Ranma 1/2 was just about the only fricking graphic novel in the US and it only published like - what? - once a year? They'll never get the devotion we once had. It wasn't about learning the language or the culture. It wasn't about going to Japan. It was just the stories. We fell in love with a type of story telling that wasn't available anywhere else. And these days, that's not even true anymore. Because anime has been so popular for so long that everyone is picking up on it and those types of stories and that type of telling has leaked in to everything.

Saa.

Things I Do Want...

Okay, so, I keep telling people reasons why I don't want a relationship. They're very valid, very true reasons. But what I don't tell them is that there's also reasons I DO want a relationship. I never list them because I don't want everyone else to know. But since the whole point of this blog is secrecy, I can list them here. So...

I do want someone at home that can hold me when I'm having a bad day.

I do want someone to tell me I look cute in my little house-dress that's too short for the public.

I do want to kiss someone before I die. I'm a virgin for fuck's sake! I AM cute. And, okay, I'm anti-social. But there's people out there that are ugly bastards with horrible personalities that have had sex. But I'm 26 and I've never even been kissed.

I do want someone that's just mine. Someone that puts me first. I can't even put me first all the time. I just want to be somebody's most important person. Not second to a parent, a kid, or a spouse. Just me - my somebody.

I want someone that'll make me laugh even when I'm in such a bad mood all I wanna do is stay mad.

I want someone that will suddenly make it seem like putting the book down would actually be a good thing, cause for once reality is better than fiction.

I want someone that could read all these blogs and see past the crazy.

I Shouldn't Be Alive

So I'm flippin through the channels and hit upon this show - "I Shouldn't Be Alive". I think it was on Discovery.

Basic point of the show is to show a true story of something horrible that happened to someone. But, thanks to the fact they're being interviewed and the title of the show, you know that this horrible thing did not, in fact, kill them. Which kinda spoils the ending really, but there ya have it.

Thing is - I think most people must watch the show and say "well thank gods that isn't me!"

But I kept watching and wishing it was me. I mean, granted, being slowly eaten alive by sand flies while I cook in the sun is not the most gentle of deaths...but still. It's odd, isn't it? All these people in these horrible situations, and all they seem to chatter on about is how much they wanted to live and how that made all the difference. And I can't help but think that had it been me, I could have sat back and let it happen and just be done with this hopeless charade.

But nope. I don't get in horrible situations. Because my life is boring and I like it that way. Even though I'm perfectly willing and wanting to die, the truth is I also hate pain and demand routine and just basically was never built for dare devil activities.

My family's even "blessed" with incredibly healthy genes. Oh, sure, I get flat feet and possibly a bad back in the future and mental illness runs all through that tree. But cancer? Nah. Nothing truly life threatening. Just annoying.

gah