So...I thought the meds were helping

I guess the meds were helping in the beginning. At least it knocked me out of the spiral I was in at the time.

But it's all basically coming back. And I can't find a reason. I don't understand this shit anymore. All I know is that I can never remember a time I was happy. Not one solid 24-hour period where I was truly happy without having that "no, don't think about that right now" kind of moment. And if life is one big fight to just BE happy, then why the hell do I have to keep bothering?

I just want it to all go away. I don't want the pity stares and the self-help bullshit and the encouraging little pep talks. I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone. I want to read my books and play my games and live in my own little world and make everyone just leave me alone.

I don't know how to do this, okay? I don't know how to survive. Emotionally or physically. I just keep going because I feel like I have no other choice. Like I'm just waiting for that one moment when I snap and turn veggie and curl in to a little ball and don't give a damn what anyone thinks and truly ignore them all.

I'm not cutting myself. I'm not hearing voices. I don't torture small animals. I'm not sick enough to be crazy.

And I'm sure as hell not sane.

I just want it to stop. I want it all to go away.