Um...I'm back?

Wow. So. Been a while.

Honestly, my last computer died sometime in October. I managed to put off getting a new one until December by using my parent's comp, but I didn't want to bring up this diary on their computer. Granted, they've got no idea how to use their "history" and I could clean it out anyway, but...just seemed wrong somehow. And by the time I got a new one, I just assumed I had long forgotten the password and stuff for this account.

Well, obviously not. So - hi again.

I have a shrink appointment coming up this month. I've only tried one other shrink - my parents forced me to when I dropped out of my master's program because I also mentioned suicide during that little breakdown. The little pink pills she gave me worked a treat until I got on more solid ground and weaned myself off them, but she was absolute crap. At the time, I was still pretty focused on what other's thought of my sexuality for various reasons. The shrink was uncomfortable with that topic. Seriously. So I realized she was an idiot, skipped most of my visits, and she took my excuses and probably lied for whatever full-up paperwork she was supposed to be doing.

But here I am, trying it again and hoping it works this time. The 17th will be my first visit. And I really need it to work.

I'm seriously afraid the only way I'll ever be okay is if I stay on medication. And I have issues with that. I think too much, and my particular habit of sci-fi/fantasy only brings up this sort of thing more - but the point is, what makes us, us? Nobody really knows that. You could measure up a human - we have so much water or require so much oxygen. You can map out the brain and try to follow the lights on the MRI scans. But nobody really knows what shapes someone's personality. And I'm scared to mess with mine. Medication would do that.

I know I'm not "right". I know I need to be fixed somehow. But I'm also really, really scared of changing 'me'. I'm so paranoid I'm gonna wake up some day and find myself in a little grey cubicle with some awful grey uniform and just not even caring. And yeah - I can't handle emotions well. But somehow.... I guess if I'm going down, I wanna go down in a blazing crash rather than a light, torturous fall.

But something has to change. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to escape. I mean, I had a great childhood. But I always dreamed of escaping. And it became a chain of "middle school will be better - highs school will be better - college will be better" until finally I realized it is NEVER getting better.

I can hold on in little ways. I plead sick/tired/whatever and ignore family events. I've never called in to work like I use to with school, but I'm always worried about them scheduling too me for too many hours because I'm worried I'll have a day I can't make it. But I'm fine - I'll go in and be pissy and just find little things to do that keep me away from people, and hopefully routine enough I can shut off my mind. If I find myself starting to get in a mood, I'll take steps. I make sure I have books to keep my mind on something else all the time. I listen to happy songs. If I'm truly desperate I'll call my best friend for a girl's day.

But I can't do this for much longer. I've been this depressed, struggling ball of nervous stress my entire life. I'm sick of it. Why am I trying? I keep telling myself it'll get better, eventually. But I can't really believe that anymore. So why all the struggle? I mean, my family genes are horribly healthy - I'm pretty sure I'll live till I'm at least 75, if not longer. And what, I'm just going to keep struggling now so I can live for another 50 years or more in this kind of pain?

And now I have Riley. She's my god-daughter. One of my biggest fears lately is that she'll somehow "catch this" from me. It's a stupid idea - she's not related to me by blood and I should be able to monitor my mouth/actions when she's actually around. So nature or nurture, logic says she should be fine. But I've never been able to hide my emotions from her momma, and I'm scared that little girl will have the same effect on me. And I don't wanna be like this around her. I don't want her thinking this is how life is.

The important thing right now is that I have to remember this shrink might not be the right shrink. You have to "shop around" for one that fits. But I've been waiting a month for this appointment and I have to keep looking around still....well, I also have to wonder how long I can do that before freaking out and breaking down again.

I can't break down again. Not like the last time. I upset everyone and put my life on hold for a year and never felt so damn helpless. I can't go through that again.

But at some point, what else is left? Obviously I'm too big a chicken to actually commit suicide, so I guess I'll just keep being a burden to everyone and breaking down every few years.

Unless I can find a way to fix me.