How do you talk to a shrink?

I'm totally serious. I like my shrink - but I can't really talk to her.

I have my third visit this coming Monday, and I'm thinking I'm just going to have to tell her that I suspect the therapy part of our relationship isn't working out too well. I mean, I don't know what to say to her and she evidently doesn't know what to ask just yet and...well, she doesn't let me ramble. She keeps trying to pin me down to answer in declarative sentences or changes the topic when I start going on. And I can't stand that! I'm a rambler. It's what I do - it's just how I talk. Partly because I always feel I have to explain myself. People don't get me, and I know I don't get them, so I feel like further explanation is required for proper communication.

And honestly, part of my over-all problem too is that while the little pink pills help my emotional state, they do nothing for my existential crisis. I still have no idea how other people live on a day to day basis without feeling useless, bored, and defeated.

Tomorrow I get to go to work for a meeting for my department. The entire department is being called in, and I'm like 99% sure I'm not the one really in trouble, but I'm still freaking a little bit about it. I hate that feeling of being called in to the principle's office. And the thing is, this is a part time job that actually doesn't even require a college degree. It is, really, a job that's technically below me. And yet I'm that scared of losing it. Because I loathe job-hunting and the humiliation it causes. But also because there's very, very few places I can fit in well enough to work on a regular basis. My personality and emotional issues kinda close a lot of doors for me, and I don't even understand the problems enough to find a way to fix them.

Which is why I'm seeing a shrink. Christ. Not to make too blunt a point about it, but I still think a cyanide pill would be easier. Anyone know if they still make those things?

So...I thought the meds were helping

I guess the meds were helping in the beginning. At least it knocked me out of the spiral I was in at the time.

But it's all basically coming back. And I can't find a reason. I don't understand this shit anymore. All I know is that I can never remember a time I was happy. Not one solid 24-hour period where I was truly happy without having that "no, don't think about that right now" kind of moment. And if life is one big fight to just BE happy, then why the hell do I have to keep bothering?

I just want it to all go away. I don't want the pity stares and the self-help bullshit and the encouraging little pep talks. I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone. I want to read my books and play my games and live in my own little world and make everyone just leave me alone.

I don't know how to do this, okay? I don't know how to survive. Emotionally or physically. I just keep going because I feel like I have no other choice. Like I'm just waiting for that one moment when I snap and turn veggie and curl in to a little ball and don't give a damn what anyone thinks and truly ignore them all.

I'm not cutting myself. I'm not hearing voices. I don't torture small animals. I'm not sick enough to be crazy.

And I'm sure as hell not sane.

I just want it to stop. I want it all to go away.