Earlier this week, my friend signed up on Blogger. She's a new mom and I guess it gives her a way to randomly do/talk about something each day - well, something non-baby related. Cause as much as she loves that little bundle - and as great a mom as she naturally is - I'm thinking anyone in that situation would need something else to think about for at least 10 minutes a day, right?
Anyway, the point is this - I have to comment on her blog sometimes and show I'm interested and that, yes, I do care. But I can't sign-in to do said comment. I'll sign the comment, but it's posted as "anonymous", because I cannot give anyone a link to this blog. Not anyone that knows me in real life.
See, no one in real life needs to see my emo side quite this much. Oh, anyone who knows me probably gets glimpses. I'm rubbish at hiding my feelings. But lately, I'm getting better at it. I do my worst ranting and emoting either in my own head, or here on the blog that no one knows I have.
Part of that is because, as I think I mentioned before, I don't want people freaking out over anything random I put up here. But it's also partly just because...well...it's embarrassing.
I hate human emotions. I think everyone has something like that in their life - something they hate and love and just can't really understand. I think human emotions are like that for me. I'm not sure why.
But my favorite stories are the ones with the biggest emotions. Love stories. Action doesn't do a thing for me. I only like comedy if I'm in the right mood. But I can always find a love story to fit my interest. Cause all emotions are heightened in a romance.
And in so many ways, I don't understand human emotions! Why do people grieve for the dead? I've only had two people even semi-close to me ever die. I handled both deaths the same I handle it when one of my favorite characters die - I cried for about an hour, accepted they're gone, and went on with my life. I guess my grandfather is a good example to use for this. I was about 15 when he died, and I can't remember too much about it to be honest. I remember being pissed my mom forced me to see him in the hospital - I hate hospitals and don't like seeing people in them. But after that, nothing much. I'm fairly certain I cried at least once when I first heard, but everyone had been expecting it for awhile so I also couldn't help thinking "why the shock everyone? he's been dying in that hospital for like months..." Then I had to be at the viewing. Because of course everyone in the family has to go to *that*. Nevermind that I ain't getting anywhere near a dead body. Cause I got it - I did - some people need to see the dead. But I don't. By the age of 15, I was damned sure there wasn't an afterlife and I wanted to be cremated and I really didn't want a bunch of creepy, nosy people looking at my dead body. Thankfully, unlike the hospital visit, my mother left that alone. So I spent the entire deal sitting in the lobby of the funeral parlor pretending to care about the random old people talking around me and giving me their condolences. Really, the only reason I remember it so well is because the funeral home had a picture that inspired a poem that got published in the school paper that year. It was some cliched forest path BS, but at the time I kinda liked it.
Anyway, the point is I always look at death in that logical manner. I had three classmates die during my high school years. 2 were in a car accident at the same time. I kept my mouth shut around everyone else, but I thought my brother would understand. I didn't know the kids, I didn't care that they were dead, and I was sick of everything at school being about them - "did you know so-and-so", "wasn't that so sad??", "omg - I'll never get over this!" etc. It was especially stupid, to my mind, when quite a lot of these kids didn't know them any better than I did. My brother was a year older than me though, and in their grade, and evidently had known better than I thought. I usually knew all his friends thanks to our close ages, so that surprised me. But still, he was my brother, surely he knew this was nothing personal - I just didn't get the big deal about death? But no - he slapped me. I don't even remember exactly what I said, but that was one of those points I knew I had just lost someone. We still get along and he's more accepting of me these days, but my drama queen brother does tend to see my practical mind as some sort of personal insult sometimes. That was the only time he ever hit me for any reason, but it changed everything cause I knew he wouldn't understand.
And that's the problem. No one gets me. Things like death and love are, to me, mostly just practical and logical things. I've only been in love once. Head over heels one-sided love. Nothing is dumber than falling for someone you know you don't have a chance with. But it also made sense. Jes loved me as friend, and she's always been the sort to tease and spoil. The other two girls in our group of four were dating, so we ended up together a lot. I was suddenly the object being constantly spoiled and teased. And here's the one thing I know is true - knowing someone adores me is my biggest turn on. She gave me attention, and after letting myself live with that for years it was like a drug. I got over it eventually, but it did leave me wondering. Why does anyone look for that? It hit me out of the blue due to circumstances beyond my control. I was young and unsuspecting. But people go on dates searching for this pain. That's just...stupid.
To be perfectly honest, I wish I didn't have emotions. It's one of those things I love about sci-fiction. Alien races like Vulcans, and of course the mechanical androids, fasicnate me. They don't have emotions. And more often than not, it's considered a bad thing. But why? These are the people I want to live with. Others like me, that won't think I'm weird for not mourning for fucking ever and for not seeing love as the greatest thing on Earth. Beings that make logical choices! Given a chance, I could make it in that world.
In this world, I have to be charming and passably sane. I'm barely passable - I can't attempt 'charming'. My brother's perfect at it. He gets it all. Falls right in to line with people, charms everyone, loves it all - it's not like it's an act or anything. He's just as naturally social as I am anti-social. But I can't do it. I don't really care all that much about anyone else's problems. I don't watch the most common shows or listen to the news and no one reads the books I do.
Maybe it's just the area I live in - maybe some where out there is a place I'd fit in better. But humanity is just...weird. And here I am. Horribly emo but very practical about it all. Saa.
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